The Home of Steven Barnes
Author, Teacher, Screenwriter

Monday, December 30, 2013

Soulmate Commandment #7: Indirect action

7. As Love Is A Shy Creature, Thou Shalt Commit To Indirect Action.

I’m not saying that the people use dating services, matchmakers, singles bars and so forth specifically seeking partnership are wrong.   I’m saying that you need to concentrate on the things that you can control, and you cannot control the actions and reactions of others.

What you CAN do is become the person you were intended to be, or be firmly upon that path, with your heart happy and accepting of where you are, right here, right now.  And that combination of dynamism and centeredness is addictively attractive.

Another thing: the “Secret Formula” is a luck magnet.   I’m telling you, when you have clear goals, believe you can and should do it, are taking constant action (and of course noticing your results and making micro-adjustments, while committing to constant improvement) and living every day with an “attitude of gratitude” you attract allies like crazy.  And most strangely, “luck” multiplies.  Opportunities come to you with the predictability of American Express and Visa offers arriving in the mail if you raise your credit score.  When you don’t need money, people offer you credit.  When you don’t have a job, you can’t get a job, but as soon as you have one other people offer employment.  When you don’t have a relationship you can’t get one, but as soon as you have one people mysteriously start showing interest.

“A watched pot never boils” is another way of looking at this.  Or the line from Broadcast News I love so much: “wouldn’t it be great if needy were a turn-on?”  Well, it isn’t, except for the wounded, and predators.  What IS a turn on to healthy people is other healthy people.   “Who are you, and where are you going?”  are questions lurking just under the surface of  the social chit-chat that we engage in for the first hours of a new relationship.

You have to know who you are, and where you are going.  That creates an “energy signature”, a “vibe” that you are putting out to the world: this is who I am.  These are my values.  This is where I’m going.  If this looks interesting to you, let’s talk.

Not very complicated, really.  

1) Seek to be balanced in your physical, emotional, and career aspects.  This maximizes your attractiveness (we should do all we can to be attractive BY OUR OWN STANDARDS), opens our hearts to the beauty of life (an amazing aphrodesiac, seriously), and improves our “nest building” (finances.)

2) Start your day by re-writing your goals, or preferably a “daily ritual” of thought, motion, and focused emotion.  Know what your most important three-five actions of the day are, and do them before you do anything less important.    We must prioritize according to our values. This will place you on the “radar” of others with similar values, saving you a gigantic amount of wasted time.

3) Here’s a fantasy way of looking at this: when you chase after relationships you lose energy and “mass.”   As you focus on becoming, you increase energy and “mass.”  Gravity can be seen as a bend in space-time, and the greater the mass the more powerful the attraction. 

4) Concentrating on all three aspects of self demands deeper engagement with the world.   Every dollar you ever earn will come from another human being, so you have to understand human needs and drives, build short and long-term alliances, and build “master mind” groups to fill the gaps in your own knowledge and capacity.  As you learn new skills you will need coaches, teachers, and come in contact with students at your own level.  As you express a hobby or interest, you will come in contact with others with similar enthusiasms. 

5) You are probably no more than three degrees of separation from a Soulmate.   Quite possibly only two.   Let your light shine, purely and energetically, broadcast to the world who you are, be the equivalent of the man or woman you would be attracted to, and someone in your circle will be struck by how much you remind them of, or would be a good match for, someone in their circle.  Countless relationships have begun at work, church, the gym, because friends introduced…you just don’t know.   

6) Be happy who you are, where you are.   Don’t go looking for love, instead be loving and share that sense of abundance with the world.  A man or woman who walks into the room with purpose, energy, enthusiasm, sensitivity to others, genuine interest in life, and deep self-love that bubbles over to others will hit the room like a BOMB.   Everyone wants to know who that is.

7) Be honest about who you are and what you want.   Courteous and empathetic to all, draw boundaries.  Don’t give yourself away just because someone asks.    Have standards, hold yourself to them, and make it clear through action (more than words) that you will not be dragged down or away from your path and destiny. 

8) If you are doing the things that increase self-knowledge, self-love, healing and open-hearted compassion, while increasing energy and engaging in daily action you are sending out a clear message to the universe.  In a forest of a thousand trees and a million birds, the bird who sings a clear, bright, loud song can be heard miles away, and will attract a mate who is looking for THAT.

9) Every day, every thought, every action should be some version of one of the two major questions: “who am I?”  and “what is true?”  Everything, and I mean, EVERYTHING, connects with one or the others. And as you can probably guess, they are actually different versions of the same question, a question that can’t quite be put into words.  When you resolve the duality, you enter another realm of thought and experience.

10)  Your goals, beliefs, values, actions and emotions should be aligned.  You should be genuinely willing to spend your life following your bliss and sharing joy with the world, even if you walk alone.   Alone isn’t “lonely.”    When you are content being alone, committed to your healing, have high standards THAT YOU MEET and give yourself the love wounded people seek from others…you are operating on another level.   And the “tribe” you have just entered is welcoming and warm almost beyond belief, filled with others who are tired of the games, and prepared to welcome you.  And it is here, while you are too busy to watch the pot, that that sucker will boil over.

And heat like that is something absolutely not to be missed.


Soulmate Commandment #6: Thou shalt demand the very best from thyself...

6.   Thou Shalt Demand The Very Best From Thyself–And Refuse To Settle For Less Than That From Others.

I have to say this again and again: you have the right, and the responsibility to bond only to the very healthiest and most appropriate person your heart can attract and hold.   Almost every day,   someone posts about their crazy husband or wife or ex-husband or ex-wife, who they made children with, and now hold those children hostage in a savage divorce or custody battle.  The kids are whiplashed, impoverished, abused or neglected.  When questioned, it is clear that there were obvious clues that SOMETHING WAS WRONG from the beginning, or at the very least that the man or woman in question allowed simple attraction to overrule common sense.    What is pitiful is when they say something along the line of “well, I thought that they deserved love too…”

Well, sure, but that doesn’t mean it has to be YOURS, for goodness sakes.   What other comments: “he told me he wouldn’t treat me the way he treated the others…”   “I didn’t know anyone who knew him…”  “she promised she would change…”  “she got pregnant…” “I was lonely…”    “I was just coming out of another relationship…”

And so forth and so on. Recipes for disaster.    Here are some things to consider:

1) The best predictor of the future is the past.  Try to meet people who your intended dated or married prior to you.  If you can’t, consider that an orange flag.

2) People who mistreat other people will eventually mistreat you.  If they gossip about others, they’ll gossip about you. Watch the way they treat their pets, too.

3) Everyone feels alone and afraid. There are only two  questions: a) what do they do with their loneliness and their fear?   b) What story do they try to sell you about it?  If a) and b) do not match, another orange flag.

4) Any potentially reproductive activity triggers bonding responses.  Don’t kid yourself.  Your hind-brain doesn’t speak “birth control.”   The crazy behavior we often see in supposedly “casual” relationships is competing value structures crashing and burning.

5) Be scathingly honest about why your body, career, and relationship history.   In the depths  of your own heart, accept no lies or blame on others.  Musashi’s first principle: DO NOT THINK DISHONESTLY. The more honest you are, the more you take responsibility for who and what you are in the world, the easier it is to see through the lies, excuses, distortions and manipulations used by others. The more of a liar someone is, the less congruence there will be between words and actions.  Humans are exquisitely tuned to detect such clues, unless we are blocking out the information.   “I’m not perfect, what right do I have to expect others to be?”  None.  But you can demand honesty and growth from yourself—and from anyone who wants to enter your intimate space.  For the sake of children unborn—and your own heart—you must be prepared to demand nothing less.

6)  “Ruthless Compassion” is a principle I hold dear.  When you force your children to do their homework, or deny them ice cream for breakfast, it doesn’t matter that they scream and beg. That’s their job.  Your job is to be the @#$$ adult.   Period.  The same is true for your non-optimal hungers.    If you let the nattering voices in your head control you, you are pretty much screwed.

7) Pay attention to actions more than words.  If the actions and words do not match, assume that you are being lied to.   Only then pay attention to those words—what is the story the intended is trying to sell?   TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS.  Unfortunately, you will only calibrate them by making mistakes, so start with small judgements and slowly work your way up as you refine your sensitivity. 

8) You’ll never get to 100% predictive capacity.  You will, however, be able to understand everything that people have done, in retrospect. When you see how love and fear mold you and the people closest to you, you have a basis for understanding others.   

9) Test your judgement, beginning with asking why you  did the things you did in your own life, without excuses.  Everything you’ve ever done, you did because you considered it your best bet for increasing pleasure and reducing pain.  Every discipline you’ve accepted was in the belief that pain now means pleasure later.  You’ve done the best you could with the resources you have.  Love yourself enough to forgive yourself, and you can look at the worst behavior without blinking.  This will open the door to understanding and appreciating others.

10) Forgive your past relationships.  Remember that YOU chose them.   They weren’t forced upon you.  Remember also that, like you, they did the best they could with what they had to work with.    If you can’t let go of the anger, it is because you are afraid that, without anger, you will make the same mistakes again. Be hurt again.  LEARN THE LESSONS AND YOU CAN RELEASE THE PAIN.  You can avoid pain, resist predation, even kill an enemy…without fear or anger.    You will know whether you have evolved to the next level, and learned the lesson, if you can see what happened in those earlier relationships without blame, guilt, or shame.

11) You can trust other people to the exact degree that you can trust your ability to evaluate them.  What are their values, beliefs, goals, and capacities?  And you will gain clarity there if you don’t need other people to ignore your flaws.   Most relationships are based on “don’t call me on my b.s. And I won’t call you on yours.”

No.  As you would for your own child, you should aspire to being all you have the capacity to be.  And the only way to do that is to surround yourself with people who see and beleive in the very best from you.  You support them, and let them support you.  Love yourselves and accept yourselves for where you are…but remember that when you’re green, you grow.  When you’re ripe, you rot.

Stay green.  Keep growing.


Tomorrow is the final day!

Tomorrow, December 31st is the LAST DAY to order the "Soulmate Process" at its special, holiday reduced price! Please, don't miss this opportunity.

Thursday, December 26, 2013

Soulmate Commandment #5: Thou Shalt Love Thyself, and Heal Thy Own Heart

5.  Thou Shalt Love Thyself, And Heal Thy Own Heart.

It would be impossible for me to overestimate the importance of this step.   Almost every day I get posts, emails or queries that relate to this aspect of our being. 

1) Emotional damage can be the result of early abuse (social, familial, personal), failed love relationships, parental absence or neglect, conflicting belief or value patterns, and so forth. 

2) Evidence of such damage can be choosing inappropriate partners, inability to accept love, inability to trust (if you are worthless, then anyone who expresses interest in you must be a fool or a predator, right?), rushing into sexual connection, inability to accept a healthful discipline, self-damage (obesity, bulimia, cutting, addictions, etc.)

3) A beautiful and elegant way to determine if you are dealing with such an issue is the following question: “would I wish this behavior/emotion/relationship upon my own most beloved child?”

When we go to relationships seeking to fill holes in our hearts, we are placing an unfair burden upon the partner. It is OUR job to heal ourselves, if we are to be adults in the world.  Wounds attract wounds…and predators.  Be cautious.

There are many ways to approach healing, but the best assume that we already possess the strength and wisdom necessary to repair ourselves.  In essence, we find the HEALTHY part of our psyche, and nurture that aspect, while simultaneously starving and scrambling the negative memories and thoughts until they can no longer control us.

Some of the options include:

1) Therapy and coaching.   If your issues are deep and pervasive, if they involve self-damage or a string of ugly relationships, you may want to bring a serious professional into your resource circle. 

2) Meditation.   Grow quiet enough, and you can hear the different “voices” within your head.  Identify with the one LISTENING  to the voices, instead of the voices. Who are they?  What are they saying?  Do you consciously agree with their positions?   To achieve a goal, you must have your values, beliefs, and positive/negative emotional anchors all aligned.    Do you have conflicts on these levels?  Where did they originate?  Would you consciously accept these patterns as an adult, or were they implanted in childhood?

3) Various visualization/mentalization techniques.  The “Ancient Child” meditation is designed to  help you make contact with the undamaged part of your personality, and allow it to grow and propogate. Visualizing light, color and so forth, filling your body with warmth and healing has been a positive path for countless people.

4) Affirmations.  The “Morning Ritual” is a powerful, powerful tool.   Basically, you move your body in a positive way: walking, running, Tai Chi, etc.    Simultaneously, you speak and think a series of affirmations.  A very workable sequence is
A)  One-five minutes of “every day in every way I’m getting better and better.”
B) One-five minutes of gratitude for past blessings.  (“I’m so grateful for X and Y…”)
C) One-five minutes of gratitude for FUTURE blessings (goals)
D) One-five minutes of “All I need is within me now” chanting.  (“All the love I need is within me now.  All the healing I need is within me now…”)

Note: you have to infuse these statements with EMOTION and be MOVING POSITIVELY and intensely.     Just as someone screaming negativity at you day after day will have an effect on your psyche, positive statements will as well—but you have to add the “magic” of emotion and motion.

5) Heartbeat Meditation.  My personal favorite, and the way I begin every morning.  Growing quiet enough to feel my heart pulsing my body.    Rotate my consciousness through my body, feeling that pulse in every limb.  Better still, quiet my breathing enough that I can perform joint mobility work WHILE simultaneously “feeling” my pulse.  Fascinating work. 

6) Deliberately “gifting” yourself with pleasures you craved as a child.  But…make them positive.  Not just eating or staying in bed.  When was the last time you went to the zoo?  Caught a matinee of a silly movie? Walked barefoot in the surf?  Played on a swing?    Do something purely pleasureable, for its own sake.

7) Think of a child you love.  A niece or nephew.  A brother or sister.   Your own son or daughter.   SOMEONE.  Imagine them being threatened.    Pump up the emotions until you can imagine yourself entering a life and death struggle to protect them—willing to kill or die.   Now…apply that emotion to yourself.  Commit to doing WHATEVER IT TAKES to protect your own heart.   Swear by whatever you hold sacred that you will die before you let anyone hurt that precious, sweet, innocent child that once you were.  Be the dragon at the gate of your heart.   Visualize a guardian with a flaming sword, guarding the playground.   I spent a year bringing toys to a visualized “beach” to re-connect with my heart, every day.  A year.  That’s how long it took before my “inner child” visualization was willing to trust me again.  And when he did…I swore I would never, ever leave him again.  “Daddy is here,” I said.  And that was the sweetest hug of my life.

There is no substitute for owning yourself.  Re-claiming your life, your mind, your heart.  If your relationship history, or present status, is anything but wonderful, I strongly suggest that you are not holding yourself as precious.  The good news is that if you can read these words, you have the capacity to find, integrate and utilize the resources necessary to heal, and live in greater harmony with your own essence.

It may take twelve months of purposeful withdrawal from the “Dating Game.”   Personally, I think there is nothing more worthwhile you could do with a new year.


Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Soulmate's Commandments #4: Thou Shalt Take Responsibility For Thy Relationship History

Years back I met a lady who was a professional therapist.  Her opinion of the male of the species was…rather low, shall we say.

“Men are pretty dumb and unpleasant,” she said.   “And I have the experience to know, because I’ve been married six times.”

I had to laugh at her.  “There was only one thing in common between all your relationships,” I said.  “You were there.”

It is very very easy to find a tribe of men or women willing to trash the opposite gender.   Frankly, I suspect that deep down these are people who don’t think much of humanity in general, but that’s another discussion for another time.  But it is better, healthier, and more adult to take responsibility for your past…including your relationships.

There are plenty of wonderful men and women in the world, and if you haven’t found one of them, it may not be “the world’s” problem.   It may be about the person in the mirror.  There are a number of things to consider:

1) Where did you learn your rules and laws of relationships and love? From actual healthy human beings with lasting relationships?  From unhappy people?  Even worse…from fiction?

2) Is there a common pattern to the unappetizing aspects of the people attracted to you?  What could this be saying about you?  For instance: some women attract large numbers of married men.  What might this suggest about their actual emotional availability?

3) If you put all your ex’s together in a room, would they have a common opinion of you?  Of the reason your relationship ended?  WHAT DO YOUR RELATIONSHIPS LOOK LIKE TO YOUR PARTNERS?

4) Let’s take this further: what would an impartial observer say about your relationships?  What would your parents say?  What would a therapist say?  If you have healthy friends with healthy relationships…what would THEY say?

5) What would you have to change about YOURSELF to begin to attract a “better” class of partner?   Healthier emotionally, more successful in their careers, more appealing physically? 

6) The ability to look at these things requires nerves of steel.  It also requires enough love of self, belief in one’s own innate preciousness that the flaws in our current presentation and actions are NOT seen as indicative of our ultimate essence.   Consider them false signals, signs of our fear, dishonesty, and internal conflicts.  Remember that we’ve been given countless (and usually conflicting) instructions during our lives.  Its not surprising that we sometimes have “system crashes” comparable to a computer slowing down or crashing with conflicting programs.  Damaged self-images result in accepting people who treat us badly.   Low standards in our own lives attract others who are comfortable with low standards.  

7) To put it bluntly, people who complain about the low quality of the people they attract are dealing with serious issues that only they can address.   Don’t mistake their little insular misery mazes for the whole of humanity.    There are wonderful men and women in the world, honest and good people with passion and drive and the capacity for giving and accepting love.  All you need to do to access that tribe…is to be one of them. 

8) Again, you must believe that the true expression of your Self is a beautiful thing, a worthy thing.  If deep down you feel soiled, damaged, worthless, whatever…you have had an unfortunately common human experience, probably in childhood. It is your responsibility to heal yourself, nurture yourself, fill yourself with love so that you overflow and can offer, without conditions, that overflow to others.  But also to be honest enough about who you are and how you have become the person you are…so that you can detect the incongruities and deceptions of others.  That you can trust your instinct about who people are, and what their values are, because you watch their actions, not what they say about their actions (that’s entirely secondary, although interesting)
9) It is not “fair” that life is like this, that there is a price for everything we want…and that that price is paid in advance.    It just “is.”  You can rage and rail against it all you want, and not change a thing.  Or…you can grow up and grasp that it is perfectly fair that people deserve someone who can understand them, support them, nurture them, love them.  They deserve others who are “on their frequency.”   Don’t you?  The trouble of course, is that getting someone on your frequency can be a blessing or a curse.  A full course meal…or just desserts.

In this Christmas season, why not give yourself the gift of love.   Go deep.  Accept responsibility.   Take control of your life, and your love.

Friday, December 20, 2013

Soulmate Commandments #2: Thou Shalt Define Love In A Manner That Gladdens Thy Spirit

#2:  Thou Shalt Define Love In A Manner That Gladdens Thy Spirit

The corrolary to #1.  In order to maximize your chances of accomplishing something, you have to align your goals, values, beliefs, resources, actions, and emotional charges.   The truth is that if your emotions are clear enough, strong enough, focused enough, you will FIND a way to accomplish your goal or die trying.   So it is totally worth-while to examine our basic beliefs, to be certain that our core beliefs about love, connection, and relationships are positive and not in conflict with other beliefs, values and priorities.
I don’t know a human being who hasn’t been hurt, betrayed, disappointed or painfully discounted in love.  No one whose heart has not been broken: wisdom is the result of experience, experience is the result of making mistakes.  Life dings up the strongest and smartest of us.
Here are some thoughts and questions for you.  Take a few minutes to write down your reactions and thoughts in connection to each.
1) Attraction is me looking at you.   Love is two people looking at each other.  But a relationship is two people heading in the same direction.
2) Where did you learn most of what you know about relationships?    Would you have consciously, voluntarily accepted these beliefs?
3) Is love primarily associated with pleasure or pain?
4) If you have a negative relationship history, have you learned the lessons, extracted the information, in a way that demonizes neither side?  Only if you have can you move forward and leave the pain behind.
5) Who has the healthiest relationship you know?  Has it lasted at least 15 years, time enough to raise a child to self-sufficiency?  Do you know what their attitudes about love, relationships, connection, and intimacy are? How are they similar to or different from yours?
6) What are your most important values in love and relationships?  Write them out…and then prioritize.  Look to see if you have conflicts (intimacy versus autonomy, for instance).   
Fear and love compete for the same place in your heart.  If you have fears about relationships, trust issues, for instance, remember that you can trust other people to the exact degree that you can trust your own judgement.   Pain in your past is not your “fault”—but it IS your responsibility to learn and grow if you would have a life of joy and meaning in the realm of the heart.   
Only through maturing to a point of self-trust and self-love can you be strong and secure enough to drop your armor.    In general, we can either have a shell or a spine.
Choose one.


Thursday, December 19, 2013

The Soulmate's Commandments #1:Thou Shalt Define The Term “Soulmate”...

1. Thou Shalt Define The Term “Soulmate”  So That Thou Canst Succeed!

Part of the attraction of teaching the “Soulmate” teleconference was the need to condense over six hours of material down to an hour.  To do this, we used a very simple structure that covered the basic aspects, and would help people understand what we are up to.

So I used the “Secret Formula” structure, as well as a “Ten Commandments” structure for their simplicity and resonance.    The first step is to define the term “Soulmate” itself.    You MUST define it in a manner that it makes sense to you, appeals deeply to you, and gives you the opportunity to win, to actually achieve it.   I remember coaching a famous television actor, now well past fifty and never married.     His definition of a soulmate was someone with whom there would never be conflict. She would look at a sunset and think and feel the exact same things he thought and felt.  She would laugh at the exact same things in a movie, and know what was on his mind without him saying a word.

In other words, he wanted a psychic clone.    And that childish, immature, unrealistic view of what relationships are explains perfectly why he has never married.   I mean, get real—you don’t have a relationship that deep and conflict-free with YOURSELF.   We lie to ourselves, disappoint ourselves, break promises to ourselves, and change day to day.    Wherever he got that definition, someone gravely misinformed him.

But…what is it, really?    The first definition I ever heard that made sense to me was that a Soulmate was someone who, when you meet them, you can feel and see the door to your future opening before you.  Here are a few thoughts on the subject—but whatever I or anyone else says, you MUST have a definition that makes sense to you, turns you on, and is possible to achieve.

1) A soulmate must appeal to you on the basic levels of mind (values and goals), emotions (similar or complementary emotional nature) and body (you guys should have similar energy levels, and standards of attraction)
ALL THREE.  Any two will probably make a decent relationship…but we want more.

2) We have more than one.  For goodness’ sake, how unfair would it be if there were only one such person in all the world? What if she was in Outer Mongolia?   Based on our surveys, I suspect that about one out of every ten thousand people could connect with you in such a fashion, on average.  And no, that doesn’t mean ten thousand speed dates.   When you “put yourself out” in the world by following your life path with intensity, it is amazing what happens. 

3) If you are only six degrees of separation from Kevin Bacon, I’m going to guess you are only about three from someone who fits our definitions…and is available.

4) A Soulmate, to be clear, is someone who can share your love, passion and life.  Someone who will support and encourage you to be the very best you can be.   Someone for whom you need not “change”…but WILL have to continue to stretch and grow and tell the truth about who and what you are.    Your energetic gender-appropriate “mirror.”   

5) You must resolve the dualities: “water seeks its own level” and “opposites attract.”   The core values must be similar enough to sustain a relationship, but given that, the more differences you can embrace and connect across, the more “energy” and dynamism you will see in that relationship.  The greater the “gap” the spark has to jump, the fatter the spark. 

6) But there is a gap too great for the biggest spark, and that limit can only be determined by judgement.  And judgement is the result of experience. And experience is the result, quite often, of bad judgement. There is an irreducable amount of pain involved in learning anything profound.  A course like “The Soulmate Process” gives you the tools to shorten the learning curve and reduce the amount of pain…but no matter what, life has bumps.  Get ready, grit your teeth, and enjoy the ride!

The SOULMATE PROCESS is a fantastic Christmas gift to yourself, the gift of a new life for the new year, available at a special reduced price until December 31st.  Check it out today at:!


Tuesday, December 17, 2013

The SOULMATE replay link is here!

THANK YOU!   Each and every
one who made our first
such a success!!   Some of you
weren’t able to get on-line,
and as promised, HERE is your

For the replay!

Just wanted you to know
that regardless of how much
wealth we gave away last
night, the full course is 100X
as powerful.  It contains:

1) Over six hours of audio
2) Full notes and illustrations
 for reference
3) The techniques needed for
emotional healing and centering
4) The full version of my
conversation with Tananarive
 about our journey to love
5) And much much more.

Very deliberately, it was
designed to be the highest
dollar-value product I’ve
ever produced, because love
 is the very center of everything
 I’ve taught for twenty years,
 and the critical starting point.

Until December 31, it is being
 offered for ten dollars off,
only 39.95 to give yourself a
 new emotional life for 2014.

Love and a full, passionate
life are your birthright and
heritage.  Claim them!


Monday, December 16, 2013

Soulmate Teleconference info

I've received a dozen emails and messages from people who either didn't receive their confirmation for the Soulmate Teleconference or don't have access to work computers to fetch the information.  So...I'm going to go ahead and post the sign-up info here.  We switched to a different service, so we have room for everyone!

1. 9pm EST/6pm PST Dec 16 Monday
2. Dial-in: 1-712-432-3022
3. Conference code: 474990
5. For Questions: 5*

See you then!!


Soulmate Conference TODAY!

"Good morning Soulmate!" was the first thing T said to me this morning. "Good morning!" I said back.
"Good morning WHAT?"
"Good morning Soulmate!"
Uh-oh! She's already in the groove. We changed services so that we can handle more people, and there's still room (we went WAY above the original 96.) If what we've said about finding the love you desire, nurturing the love you have, or healing your heart has touched you at all, please join us at 6pm PST today. Sign up at

Sunday, December 15, 2013

The Love of Your Life

“After searching for literally years for the "perfect" woman without success, I turned to Steven Barnes. He said things I had never heard before. It intuitively made perfect sense. "Be who you want to attract." Easier said than done, but I can attest it works! I'm now happily married to my dream woman. I never knew she existed until now. Thank you, Steve!

Andy Duncan”
Tomorrow I’ll share with you EXACTLY what I told Andy, based on the same fifteen years of study and teaching to find the best and simplest way of communicating what what we all should have learned in childhood about relationships.   Ultimately, anything about relationships that is true deals with two core questions you need to ask every day of your life:

1) Who am I?
2) What is true?

Career, Relationships, and physical health are the three most critical arenas.  You can start with either your health, or your relationships—concentrating on the Career at their expense is suicide.   Relationship is possibly the most generative, leading to the most change, and providing the most opportunity for deep life satisfaction.  It requires an exploration of love of self and others.  The capacity to extend the definition of “me” or “I” to others.  Self-respect.  Boundaries and centering.  Patience and passion.  Maturity and child-like faith.  Honesty on a level few other arenas of life ever demand.

Please, join us tomorrow, December 16 at 6pm PST.  If you’ve already signed up, great.  If not, please do so if this arena is an issue in your life.   If you know someone who is losing their faith that love is possible in their lives…please pass on this link:


Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Sleep Experimenters Needed

I’ve discovered something strange.   For months now, I’ve successfully used Shiva Rae’s “Moon Salutation” to overcome residual muscle tension and turn off my brain for sleep.  But to be honest, sometimes I am too lazy late at night to do approximately seven minutes of yoga.  Those nights, if I’m not careful, I’ll toss and turn and get up in the morning un-rested.

So I made it a rule: at the very least, I do a simple Sun Salutation before going to bed (and usually waking up in the morning as well, although I might do a set of joint recovery drills instead.)  That came pretty close to doing the trick. 

Then about two weeks ago I did something different: after getting in bed, instead of counting sheep or even going through the WARRIOR SLEEP program (which works like gangbusters…but like I said, sometimes I’m lazy) I visualized myself going through the “Moon Salutation” sequence.

It was strange.  I had a hard time holding the sense of being in “First Person”—performing it from the “inside.”  I kept flipping to watching myself do it as an observer.  I relaxed, focused, and slipped more deeply into the drill…

And suddenly it was morning.  I was shocked, and have tried this every night for the last few weeks, and have only gotten to the end of the sequence once. A few times I woke up again about four hours later, used it, and went right back out.

Now…I don’t know if this would work for others. Whether you need to practice yoga, or practice the Moon Salutation sequence, or whatever.   This might be something anyone can do because of secrets locked in the movement pattern, or something that works for me and no one else.  So…I’m putting it out there, and would like feedback.

Because if it works for anyone….wow!

Monday, December 09, 2013

Reasons I'm glad I'm almost dead #3: Stuff Makes Sense. People make sense.

 (Well, really reasons I’m glad I’ve lived this long)

Stuff makes sense.  People make sense.

And that is HUGE.

My largest single conceptual breakthrough came after writing almost two million words of fiction.    For decades I’d taught and used the Hero’s Journey as a “plotting” structure that also mirrored the path of creating work, and the living of life in general. With minor tweaks, I could make it fit any story, movie, incident, project, or anything else, and have never encountered a situation that didn’t fit (sometimes I have to minimalize or abstract, but in general, if it doesn’t fit the pattern, human consciousness won’t recognize the input as “story”.)
The other piece of the puzzle was the yogic chakras, which at some point I began using for characterization.   Mapping over beautifully with Maslows Hierarchy of human needs, or Milton Erickson’s therapeutic model, the chakras represent six thousand years of yogic psychology: theoretical, observational,  experimental and experiential.

Good enough for me.  The breakthrough came from asking myself about the relationship between story and character.  It seemed pretty obvious that the argument about whether character or story was primary was a false choice.

Non-dualistically, character and story are the same thing.    In other words, a situation is not a story.  Story is created by dropping a person of certain needs and capacities into a given scenario and watching what they do.  What they do reveals who they are.  What they SAY about themselves reveals a secondary level, but the primary is action.  

I remember having fun in my novel “Firedance” with the little hermaphrodite assassin “Leslie”, the deadliest human being (pound for pound) who ever lived, who is performing courageous, self-sacrificing, hugely effective feats while running an internal monologue constantly trashing herself.  The conflict between these two things—action and thought—revealed personality, specifically the damage wrought by the interaction of conflicting value structures and belief patterns.

If Maslow was right, as we satisfy lower needs (and by “lower” I certainly don’t mean less essential or worthy) we automatically begin to evolve toward the higher.   Since I was using the “create a perfect human being, damage them, and then give them a route to wholeness that requires shedding illusions” general approach to characterization, it seemed reasonable that the HJ could be seen as the route from a lower to a higher “chakra.”

I saw this as a series of tight little spiral traveling up that vertical line, one spiral between each of ‘em: survival to sex to power to emotion to communication to intellect to spirit.

Again, it made sense to me.  Then I thought of the overall process, the journey from survival to spirit, as one huge spiral, and the whole thing began to resemble a sphere.  The dynamism of the interaction between the two created a 360-degree revolving sphere of the thing called “story”.   

And my grasp of the big picture congealed.  And has never changed.   Note that this is like a wire-frame model in my mind.   It isn’t infinitely predictive. But everything made sense in retrospect, and it was a hugely valuable tool in structuring and writing.

Build a character and test him to destruction—and growth.  Or, create a situation and ask what character would be perfect to explore this, resolve it, or wreck it.

All the thousands of books and films and stories I’d seen or read or heard collided in my mind, suddenly simplified hugely: they were always either stories of growth, decay, or simple expression, a human organism seeking to evade pain and gain pleasure, operating at various levels of “sleep” or “awakening”, trying to navigate his existence to the best of his ability at the time.

Because I also used the HJ to plan the actual work (for instance, there is ALWAYS a point in my writing of any project where it feels as if nothing is working and it’s all falling apart.  This is just emotional crap…get used to it), and the Chakras to look at my own progress and blockages, something odd happened.

After about three years of using this dynamic model for writing and executing writing, I started seeing it in other aspects of my life.  In fact, once I “tweaked” to that perspective, I found it impossible NOT to see it.  And then saw it in the lives of others. And then all around me, everywhere.

Again, and this is critical: it was not “predictive” in the sense of knowing what was going to happen before it happens. But explanatory?   Frankly, once I saw it, people stopped being puzzling.  And there just weren’t human beings of vastly different aspect.    On the most important core levels, we were all the same—with the same infinite variation found in snowflakes, of course, such that we were either as different, or as similar as you could want, depending on perspective.

It was wonderful.  If the use of this juxtaposing was a “wire frame” with writing, it was the ghost of a wire frame dealing with real human beings: perceptable to intuition and emotional “flash” but dissolving if I looked at it directly: subliminal, not conscious.   Peripheral, not foveal.

But there.  And as three points gives you a circle, and four points gives you a sphere, the rest was just filling in the “dots,” and there just weren’t any dots that didn’t fit.  There are experimental stories that depend upon an educated and sophisticated audience that brings their own deep knowledge of story with them and can react to implication, minimalization and deconstruction of story and personality. And there are human beings with scrambled wiring, people with basic psychological urges out of balance or addicted to hungers and perspectives that were healthy in one context or degree, but loathsome and damaging in another.

Fascinating, and the beginning of a realization that I’d reached a different point in my life and career.  It was a great feeling: life wasn’t a cheat.  If you paid attention it really did make sense.

More on these things later…


Wednesday, December 04, 2013

FREE Soulmate Teleconference December 16th!

Registration is open for the FREE December
16th Soulmate teleconference!  We have
NINETY-SIX slots, and expect them to fill
rapidly.  Please join me, Tananarive, and
Mushtaq Ali Al Ansari as we explain exactly
how to heal your heart and prepare for
the love of your life.  Please go to to register!


Entrance Into The Human Soul

I thought I'd mention a wonderful application of the "Secret Formula", one having to do with the way odd happenstance comes into your life if you are fully occupied in your conscious path.    One major milestone in my coaching career came during a financial down-turn almost a decade ago.    Due to an odd set of circumstances I found myself lecturing a roomful of MDs at a Neuralfeedback Conference in Palm Springs about eight years ago.    I was actually teaching at  a story conference being held in the same hotel, and the sponsor was holding the other event as well.

At lunch, I got into a conversation with the sponsor and one of the Neuralfeedback attendees, and mentioned the research and study I’d done for one of my novels, in the arena of releasing fear through a specialized somatic technique rooted in Russian research (I’d learned it originally from Scott Sonnon).   They were fascinated and asked if I would be interested in making a presentation at the medical conference.

To say I was nervous was an understatement.  I mean, I’d dropped out of college, and there I was explaining to a crowded room the technique and theory of using an obscure aspect of neuroplasticity to reduce fear even in neurotic or deeply phobic patients.

They were polite and mildly skeptical as I explained and offered examples of what we refer to as “The Spider Technique” because my first application was with a client with arachnophobia.  I was a wreck.  Probably looked confident on the surface, but underneath was all of the “Impostor Syndrome” stuff you can possibly imagine:

1) What was I doing there?
2) What are they thinking!
3) Am I a fraud?
4) I don’t have double-blind experimentation!  I don’t have a degree! What right do I have to speak about these things!

And on and on.  All that kept me going was the practical knowledge that I’d used it in my own life and with at least ten clients, and that in every case it had decreased their fear by about 20% per application.  I can promise you that I wish I’d had the time to apply it myself before the talk!
After I finished there was silence.   Then one of the doctors said: “damn.  That would work.  Why haven’t I heard about this before?”

I was congratulated after the talk, business cards were exchanged, and my heart sank down out of my mouth. One of the attendees introduced himself as  clinical director of psychology at an exclusive Counseling/Stress relief clinic in Santa Monica, and he wondered if I’d be willing to come out and give a presentation to his staff.

I said yes.   A week later, I found myself at one of the most prestigious, exclusive clinics in the United States—(certainly one of the most expensive!), catering to what satirist Tom Lehrer once referred to as “Diseases of the rich.”  It was an amazingly beautiful site, every decoration and furnishing seemingly chosen to sooth and comfort.   The people I spoke to were experts in a dozen different disciplines, PhDs, MDs, licensed therapists of many kinds.

And now they weren’t out in an audience somewhere.  They were touching distance, and if I made a single misstep, I was toast.

But I’d had time to use the technique myself in the intervening days, and was dead calm.  I simply told them the truth: I was a life-long martial artist, and science fiction writer.  Where other writers specialize in history or physics or biology, I’d just specialized in the technologies of human mental, emotional, and physical improvement, and if anything I’d encountered or studied was of use to them and their clientele I was humbly grateful.

I explained the method, gave it historical and psychological context, related it to other spiritual practices, and gave specific instances of its application, as well as suggestions for integration with their own practices, ways they could test, and possible other supporting techniques.

They were…agog.   There was silence for a moment, and I wondered if they were about to call the guys with white coats and straight jackets.  Then I thought: “oh, wait.  These ARE the guys with white coats and straight jackets..!”

One gentleman cleared his throat, and was the first to speak.     “Excuse me,” he began, “but when you are applying what I can only refer to as The Barnes Technique, are you…”

I was laughing so hard inside I could hardly answer his heartfelt, respectful question.    I was offered a chance to work with their clients as a movement counselor (years before I’d been a recreational therapist at Whitney Young Jr. Memorial hospital, so I guess there was precedent) and this became an income stream at a time when we SERIOUSLY needed it. 

And I had an opportunity to test my chops, work with a variety of very, very stressed people with extreme demands on their minds and bodies: athletes, heirs, entrepreneurs, mega-stars, even a Saudi prince.  

I was operating as part of a wellness team at the highest level, and just loved it.  And I most remember a plaque in one of the alcoves, a wood sculpture and fountain that seemed derived from a Balinese art form. The plaque read: “The entrance into the human soul is the highest privilege and most sacred obligation.”

I always believed that to be true.  Always used that to guide my work and practice at every level.   It was a beautiful statement of my personal truth.

 My three years working at The Clinic, while simultaneously working to rebuild my Hollywood career, were some of the most rewarding of my life.  There, in an actual clinical environment, surrounded by actual medical and psychological professionals, I had the opportunity to hone my skills, and see how the knowledge I’d gained over the years purely for research or my own health fit in with a high-level wellness team.  I learned my strengths and limitations, and had an opportunity to get pain to grow.

That was wonderful, something I’ll never ever forget.   Oh…and the receptionist, who booked clients, told me very privately that the clients asked for me more often than requests for anyone else on staff.

If that is can only be because I knew I was nothing special, but have been blessed with the very best and kindest teachers...and never wanted to do anything but help people heal.  If I've succeeded in that, I am grateful beyond measure.


Tuesday, December 03, 2013

The Soulmate Process is here!

December 17, 6pm PST, the game changes.

Almost seventeen years ago, I met my soulmate, Tananarive Due.  We recognized each other within thirty-six hours, and were married within a year.   The most remarkable thing was that after countless hours of conversation (much of it of the “wow.  How did this happen?” category) we discovered we’d taken very similar paths to finding each other.   After fifteen years of study and teaching, research and experimentation with my roster of 2400 students, in concert with my dear friend Mushtaq Ali Al Ansari, who brought the Sufi perspective on love and partnership into the mix as well as unique tools never made public before this course, THE SOULMATE PROCESS is finally ready to go!

Details are still being worked out, but the plan is to launch it with a teleseminar on MONDAY DECEMBER 17TH, 6PM PST.  Totally free.  No “catch.” We’ll spend an hour breaking it all down, and then take questions.  Please stay posted for the URL and call-in information, which will be posted soon.

It’s been a long, long road, but we had to get it right.

Pssst…how about a new life for Christmas?


Monday, December 02, 2013

        #2: I finally understand “Magic”  (No, I’m not saying I live there.  But I visit more and more often)
        I was teaching a writing workshop at Chapel Hill in North Carolina, and hapel Hill, and a lady asked me about fear and writer’s block. I gave her a slightly flip answer… and then looked at her eyes.

She had said she’d traveled hundreds of miles to speak to me, and suddenly my ego-shit went out the window (I love when that happens!) and I was in that “Real” space I get thrown into more and more often these days. So I told her I was going to take her seriously, and give her some magic. Taught her the Fear Removal exercise.

A gentleman who had done me the honor of challenging everything I say (I love that, too) had been hovering around, and asked if I had any fear.

I said hell, yes. Ah hah! He said. Then the technique doesn’t work? Sure, it does. But I only use it on fears that are irrational, and that inhibit my ability to accomplish the things that are in alignment with my core values. Why not on everything? He asked.

Because it’s not fun, son. It hurts a bit. It’s worth it if you are removing the block to love, or health, or success. But do it on my fear of… I don’t know, say asking strange women to dance. I still have a bit of shyness left over from my geeky childhood, and have no interest in removing it. It’s kinda cute, reminds me of where I came from.

He kept grinding in at me (good for him!) and I mentioned that the technique often has to be repeated, if the fear creeps back: it isn’t permanent. Ah-hah! He said. Then it’s not Magic, is it..?
And here I realized that I’m living in a completely different world than this gentleman. He got his concept of magic from novels and movies: wave a wand, and presto! An elephant disappears from the living room, in denial of all rules of physics. The universe doesn’t ripple at all, and Mandrake does it again.
Wow. Cool.

Having been around shamans who played very seriously with these things, I am of the opinion that the approach to magic in life has steps that go something like this.

1) First, Clarke’s law: “Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.” Magic is not a violation of the laws of nature, any more than airplanes violate the law of gravity. It may seem so to the ignorant, but it ain’t so.

2) Second, one must have a genuinely profound map of reality, integrated at the level of unconscious competence.

3) Set goals and then take actions. Note the gap between the results and your intentions. Learn all you can about the reasons for the failures and successes, keeping both conscious and unconscious channels open.

4) Begin to differentiate between your needs and desires. “You can’t always get what you want,” the song goes. But we generally get what we need. We’re evolved to get our NEEDS from the environment. Otherwise, we wouldn’t survive, and our ancestors wouldn't have, either. Peeling away the inessential, until we are in alignment with life. Needless to say, doing this in a consumer culture requires both strength and clarity. Most will prefer to remain asleep, trust me.

5) Once your survival needs are in alignment with nature (you have these things at the level of unconscious competence), use prayer, ceremony, meditation, etc. to make your goals, actions, and values all in alignment: you do what you say you’ll do, and you aren’t fighting yourself in the process. In the beginning, it can be hell to achieve this. It is worth the fight.

6) When your inner and outer realities are in alignment, and your reality map is accurate, a bizarre thing happens: you stop wanting anything you cannot have. You don’t set goals that are out of reach. You understand your abilities, and the context of life, so well that your desires never materialize fully unless you have the tools and resources to bring them into existence. You are, in essence, playing with a loaded deck. You say you want to do something, and it happens. To the uninitiated, it looks like magic, while to you, well…it's just the way the universe works. Nothing special about it at all.


But do you see the hard, brutally honest work it takes to get there? You have to genuinely calibrate your perceptions, and most people would rather do ANYTHING than expose themselves to truth. It is really sad to watch, when the way to truth is fairly clearly marked: just overlay all major world religions, extract the core teachings, and do THAT stuff with all your heart. Read between the lines. Ignore the teachings of people whose actions are out of alignment with their words. Keep your word to yourself, until truth becomes easier than lying. Somewhere along that path, you’ll notice that you are living a non-ordinary life.


Friday, November 29, 2013

Reason #1 I'm happy I'm almost dead

(well, really Reason #1 I’m happy to be more than half-way through my life…)

I no longer feel like I have to put up with cultural b.s. I smiled through when I was younger.    A Hollywood friend recently asked me to look at a piece of his work.   It was very enjoyable except for one little thing, a peeve that I was willing to grimace through in earlier days.  Not any more though.  This is the note I sent him…

“Well, I’ve got good news and bad news for you. Part of the good news is that you may not care about the bad news. The best news is the your movie works fine. strong story, good characters, good world, fun action. The bad news is that I didn't give a shit about them for one simple reason--you committed a sin that I really don't forgive any more: you killed the only black character in the film.    Any time that happens, I automatically withdrawn all empathy from the white ones, and frankly enjoy watching them die. I would suggest either taking the black people out, or changing the race of another character. aside from that little issue, though, well done!”

I’ve seen this trope literally countless times.  And never, not a single time in an American film, seen the opposite.  It may exist, but despite frequent mentions and lotsa suggestions from people, have been unable to identify a single American film in which all white characters (people with at least one line of dialogue) die, leaving non-white characters alive (so, “On The Beach” doesn’t count).    Seen in in foreign films, for instance “The Chinese Connection”, where the “Russian” character is killed by Bruce Lee, a clear expression of hostility for the Russian occupation.  In other words—it is hostility, not well veiled at all.  Or, at the very least, a lack of extension of humanityt—if there is no example of an American film in which all the white characters die, then clearly the filmmakers know that it would be painful to sit through an experience like that, and simply don’t do it.

Similar, but not as extreme a reaction with films in which all the black characters are villains.  “Captain Phillips” did this.  As a result, I felt my mind slide into a place where I kind of enjoyed watching Tom Hanks get the shit beat out of him.  Hey, I never said I was perfect.   I find that I will always attempt to treat people 1% better than they treat me.  But 2% and above is optional.

Thursday, November 28, 2013

Have a Delicious Day!

As I’ve said many times, I consider “The Secret” to be an unfortunate kind of magic thinking.  But oddly, it was extracted, or largely based upon another work, “The Science of Getting Rich” by Wallace D. Wattles, which is actually worthy of respect.  The difference?  “The Secret” suggests that if you visualize and think about and want something badly enough, it will come to you.

Well, that is true if you add one caveat:  “You will be able to tell that you have produced a sufficient amount of `want’ for your desired goal when you start leaping out of bed in the morning to work your butt off to get it, all day long, with monomaniacal fervor.”

Get that?  If you haven’t produced enough desire to movitate YOURSELF to act, what in the world makes you think the external universe is gonna respond?   Please.
But, curiously enough that’s not what I wanted to talk about today.  Today is Thanksgiving.  While some holidays are pure fun, I think that most serve a social function—shared purpose, rest, acknowledgement of sacrifice and honor, and so forth.  Thanksgiving happens to be one of those times when we stop and remember our gratitude for what we have, something not only important psychologically, but practically.

Back to the “Secret.”  What I extracted from Wattles’ work I call the “Secret Formula” for the sake of association and comparison.  It is comprised of four specific pieces: Goals, Faith, Action, and Gratitude.  Without any one of them, your chances of achieving positive results are minimal.
Goals because you need to know what you want and why you want it and what it will take to achieve it.  If you don’t know where land is, you’ll just swim in a circle, or dog-paddle, until you drown.
Faith because if you don’t believe you can and should do it, why bother?  Plenty of people “know what they should do” but don’t do it.  They don’t believe their efforts will ultimately bring them more pleasure than pain, and this process—avoiding pain and gaining pleasure—is at the core of all animal behavior.  People don’t do what is in their best interest.  They do what they BELIEVE is in their best interest.   And when they see no way to create pleasure or grow, they will simply squat in paralysis, or numb themselves with food, sex, drugs, or…television.  Horrors.
Action.   That’s where we started, right?  You have to take massive action toward your goals, whatever they are.    And to take note of the results you are getting, and maintain the behavioral flexibility to change behaviors again and again and again until you get the results you want.  Those behaviors should be designed to produce results WITHOUT luck of any kind.   A “patience my ass, I’m going to kill something” attitude works like gangbusters.
GRATITUDE.  And here we are at Thanksgiving.  People often struggle with discipline, deny themselves pleasure, and think that pure focus through the pain will get them where they want to go.  Well…yes, but unless you are very careful, the first time you are under stress, the old behaviors will pop right back up.  Also…tomorrow is promised to no one.  Why suffer for something you may not realize for years, when you might not live to get it?  Also…the allies you need to attract to move to another level of life are not attracted by unpleasant, negative attitudes.   But if every day, and I mean EVERY day you find something positive to concentrate upon, and give thanks for it, you not only change your attitude, but you increase your belief that there will be future things to give thanks for as well.

I’ve dealt with clients who could literally not remember a single positive thing in their entire lives.  No love, no faith, no affection, no victories.    Now, this is b.s.—EVERYONE has moments of positivity in their past, or they wouldn’t have survived.  But they interpret their past so negatively, tell themselves such a story of suffering and betrayal and abuse that they have no access to their creativity, intelligence, and courage.

But in the darkest sky, a single star can show the way.    There is a parable of a zen monk who is walking through the forest.  Suddenly, a tiger appears and began to chase him.  Fleeing, he reached a cliff and climbed down.  He stopped, because immediately below him was a cobra, ready to strike.  He started to climb back up, and the tiger swatted at him.  The vine he was holding onto started to fray.  Below the cobra was a thousand feet of rocks.   The monk looked to his right, and there was a strawberry plant, growing out of the side of the cliff.  He plucked a strawberry, ate it and said:  “delicious.”

You cannot defeat a man like this.  He can die, as we all do, but he will die happy.    But if there is a fraction of possibility, any way at all to win, it is someone like this who will find it: someone who has a goal, believes it is possible to succeed, takes every possible action…and has gratitude for this delicious moment of life.

I wish you and your family a delicious day.  One so joyous that you can remember it for the rest of the year, no matter what strife you might face.

A single day…a single star…can light the way.



Thursday, November 21, 2013

A healthy female animal

There are a tiny number of core ideas or techniques most germane to the concepts of growth and balance.  Three of them are:
1) “Love and Fear compete for the same place in your heart.”
2) The “Chakra” model that suggests that a healthy human being without fear barriers will automatically evolve toward higher expression.
3) The “Ancient Child”  model is a “sigil”—a “symbol of power” constructed of overlapping symbols.   A sort of conceptual mandala.   While there are probably about ten different powerful concepts overlayed one with another in an elegant fashion (and no, I won’t talk about all of them.  Your conscious mind just gets in the way) there is one core aspect that I find most fascinating:

a) Human beings are genetically programmed to feel protective toward children.  Not an absolute, of course, but those big eyes and round faces just kill us.
b) All human beings experienced love and protection at some point in their lives.   Whether you can consciously remember it or not, is irrelevant.  Humans who are not nurtured in infancy wither and die.   “Failure to thrive.” Period.
c) Most of us will accept conditions and associations we would NEVER want for our own children, or people we love

Combine these three artfully, and you can create magic.

Therefore, if you can imagine reaching out to the “child” part of yourself, and make that emotional/conceptual connection, you begin to feel self-protective on a level most don’t experience.


Both men and women fall into this pattern, despite the perspective held by some of each group that “they have it worse” or are more deeply programmed for denial and sacrifice.  That just reflects their own partial understandings.

I remember one example of this that came to me starkly while teaching a women’s self defense workshop twenty-five years ago.    (Please NOTE: the following only worked because I had established rapport with the members of the workshop.   They knew I cared about them, and loved them.  I would NEVER have tried this without that connection.)

I was holding a kicking pad for a woman who had been abused terribly. Came to the workshop in drab colorless clothes, no makeup, hair cut asexually, shoulders hunched. Could barely meet our eyes.   She just couldn’t hit the shield.     Was afraid to “hurt” me (afraid to anger me, thereby triggering retaliation.)   Was crying and shaking and just barely tapping it.   Blubbering that she couldn’t.

I had an inspiration.    “Do you have a daughter?”  I asked.  “No,” she sobbed.
“Do you have a kid sister?” I asked
“Yes.” She said, and her eyes brightened, just a bit.  GOOD.  That told me she had heart-space association with her sister.  
“And you love her dearly?”
“Yes,” she said.
“All right,” I said. “Listen to me.    If I get past you, I’m going to rape her with a broken coke bottle.”

She froze.  Her entire body language shifted. She narrowed her eyes.  Her face tilted forward into “predator” mode.  She was no longer worried about what anyone thought, or what I might do to her.  Her entire focus was on hurting me.

Her next kick slammed into me and damned near knocked me through the wall!  She hit again and again, in “controlled maniac” mode, letting out the pain and fear and rage and anger she had bottled up inside herself from childhood.   Knocked me off my feet.  Stomped me on the ground.  Then, shocked, looked at what she was doing as if standing outside herself, witnessing a miracle.

“THAT!” I screamed, leaping up.  “That!  That moment, that feeling, THAT switch in your head!”  I squeezed her hand, “anchoring” that state that feeling.  “Make a fist”  she did.  “Close your eyes”. She did.

“Go to that place.”  She breathed like a dragon, tapping into some place inside her head and heart she had never known.    “THAT is your guardian.  THAT is who and what you really are, and you need to know that.  Out of your pattern.  Mask OFF, dammit.  No one.  NO ONE has the right to touch you, or step into your space ever again without your permission.  Do you understand me?”

Sobbing, tears streaming down her face, she nodded. 
Opened her eyes transformed.

“I love you,” she said.  And hugged me tightly.  The entire workshop had stopped, stunned, watching, and burst out into applause for this little woman who had discovered who and what she really was, for the first time in her life.

My ribs ached, but the sheer joy of that moment, of helping one of my sisters find her strength, has lasted for decades.

She knew how to master her skill.   How to protect herself.  Which gave her permission to love.  Which opened the door to growth and evolution.  

She showed up at the workshop the next day with color in her clothing.  Her hair somehow softer around her face.  A touch of makeup.   Shoulders squared.  Smiling.  Eyes bright.  Radiating more of her aliveness…dammit, she was suddenly “sexier.”

She took me aside, and quietly said: “you changed my life.”

No.  She changed her life.  I just got out of the way, and let nature work through me.  She was now a female human animal, with her hands on the controls of her life.

I love my work.


Tuesday, November 19, 2013

The gift of destruction

The last ten days have been spectacular.   Moving to L.A. Seems to have been exactly what I hoped for, a breakthrough to a clearer place in my life where I can leverage my intelligence, energy, and emotion more effectively.  There is only one thing I see that would cause problems: the attempt to be the person I was when I left.

I have to, MUST, accept the gift of destruction.  The natural tendency would be to try to re-assemble my old life.  Old friends.  Old business associations.  Old habit patterns.  So comforting and  familiar.
But that is an illusion.  “You can’t step in the same piece of water twice.”   I simply can’t be concerned with who I thought I was, or what other people thought I was, or what I’d hoped to be and do.

That would be fatal.   I’d be a walking dead man, trying to wear the rotting flesh of my ancient dreams.
No.  What I have to do is continue to ask the Core Questions:

“Who Am I?”  and “What Is True?”

Nothing that is ultimately true about me can be destroyed.   “Matter and energy cannot be created or destroyed, only changed in form.”

There is another truth: depression and disorientation are created by a life reality that doesn’t match our internal maps.

I got hit with this BIG TIME by the move to Atlanta.  My life map had been blown up.  All that remained was my commitment to my family: my son needs me.  My wife needs me.   Whatever is true will endure.
All else was pain.   

Now I’m back in L.A., and have a new life plan, which involves greater, deeper engagement with the wonderful teachings I’ve received over the course of my life, the things that allowed me to find my center, since the ordinary reflection from the external society was so hopelessly distorted—I could not trust that world to tell me who I was.   Sending me back to the Core Questions:

Who Am I? What is true?

And the lovely thing is that if you ask that question long enough, you get the answer.   There are a finite number of false answers, and when you run through them, well…

“When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.”

You can get there.    The joke is that what you find cannot QUITE be put into language.  The analogy  is that you can’t describe “it” in words, any more than you can describe a salad fully enough to nourish your body.  I can, however, point in the direction of the salad bar, and if you choose, you can eat for yourself.

But that’s another subject.  What IS true is that the “Secret Formula” is in deep play right now:

Well, my goals are clear, and quantifiable, and I repeat them to myself daily, in my Morning Ritual.   I have Faith that what will be will be, and that my essence and my intentions are in alignment.    It is similar to the trick of attracting any woman you want: simply don’t want any woman you can’t attract.  It’s funny and scary effective once you get the joke.  The rest is just recognizing who is or is not of your “Tribe.”

I take massive action, daily.   Nothing that I’m doing as my core behavior relies upon luck.   I’m not expecting any help from the universe.  On the other hand, I expect that the universe won’t go out of its way to screw with me, either.

And you know what happens?

““Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now.”

—This quote, attributed to Goethe, (which might actually be the words of William Hutchison Murray in response to Goethe’s couplet:

“Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it.
   Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it!”)

Is brilliant, and I believe, the truth.   That when you take responsibility, and stop waiting for help, and take massive action…you start getting “lucky.”

And…Gratitude.    I have to thank God (or the universe, or whatever you choose) for what I have right here, right now.    Don’t work so that one day you can be happy.  Be happy that you can work.


Now…this is where the trick comes in.  Read the above carefully, and you’ll see my take on what “magic” really is.  But if you look into the Yogic approach to the creation of “magical powers” (Siddhis) it is thought that effects in the world of consensus reality (“Maya”) are by-products of pure intent in the mental/emotional/spiritual realm.

This is why pure art cannot be concerned with commerce.  Pure love cannot be concerned with what you get in return. The pure martial technique must not be concerned with survival. Action must be for its own sake to reach it’s ultimate efficiency.

The human reality, of course, is that nobody’s really THAT pure—we do care about results.  This just points in the direction of ultimate efficiency.   “A man’s reach must exceed his grasp, or heaven’s a lie.”
Now…What this means is that if your intents and actions are pure enough, you’ll start getting results that have nothing DIRECTLY to do with your actions.

Ever notice that when you don’t have a girlfriend/boyfriend you can’t get one, but as soon as you have one, other people are interested?  When you don’t have a job you can’t get one, but as soon as you have one other people call with offers?

It’s like that.

The “Siddhis” include things like power, sexual attractiveness, and mental abilities like precognition and mind-reading (believe as much of that as you wish: I’m speaking of traditional teachings, not debating the existence of ESP.)

The thing that is most germane to this discussion is that these things are considered BY-PRODUCTS of being “on the path”, not primary intents or effects.  That you can notice them, even enjoy them, but if you chase after them, you instantly step off the path and they will dissolve like mirages.


Notice the “split attention” that is required here?  To act in alignment with your deepest values, but simultaneously notice the effects your actions have in the external world, without letting those effects corrupt your process?

Doing a Wallenda over a pool of sharks  is, in comparison, childishly simple.  It drives artists crazy all the time.

So…back to the beginning.  Without being too specific, let’s just say a LOT of writing career things are happening.  In fact, they are trying to pull me away from my coaching and teaching.

No can do.   I’m not the same person I was.  My path now is one of emptying myself out, teaching what I learned that helped me reach my current level of awareness.    Writing is now my hobby.  A profitable one, one pursued with vigor, but no more than that.   I could care less about convincing people of the validity of what I see—I will speak of it, only so that those who agree and seek the same thing know where to find me. 

The rest of ya’ll?  

Hey, have a great life. 

This is who I am.  This is the world I see.  It is increasingly entertaining to hear the Sirens singing at me, saying “step off the path…come to me, come to me…”

Like hell.   The fun thing is that I’ve been to this rodeo before.   As they said in Jerry McGuire, “I’ve been to the puppet show, I’ve seen the strings.”  Its the nice thing about getting older.    Wisdom is the ability to see patterns.  That’s a gift of time.  The gift of destruction.


Friday, November 15, 2013

Diamond Hour November show

Saturday, November 16, 2013 1:00 PM Pacific Standard time (4:00 PM Eastern)
Connect via phone or VoIP (Skype, etc.)

(724) 444-7444
Our subject: Healing our hearts: why and how
Join us!

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Countdown to Soul Mate!

 If I accept Sri Chinmoy’s admonition that we can approach true awareness EITHER by beginning with the “root” of physical function OR by opening our hearts and expanding outward, the question might arise which I consider superior.

While the entire “awakened adult” complex can be achieve from the root up (survival, ethical sexuality, mastery of the physical body, the power to create legal goods and services which can be exchanged with the community to produce enough money to support yourself and another) there is another consideration.

Remember the “Secret Formula”?  This is a little equation extracted from “The Science of Getting Rich” by Wallace D. Wattles, one of the core sources for “The Secret”…which managed to miss a key aspect of what Wattles was talking about.

The formula is: Goal X Faith X Action X Gratitude = Results.  What I hear missing from too many people who talk about “The Secret” is ACTION.  You have to take massive, constant action designed to produce results whether the world cooperates with you or not.  It is then, when your attitude is that of the buzzard who said “patience my ass—I’m gonna kill something!” that “luck” seems to happen.  
But that’s not what I’m talking about. What I’m saying is that you have to have GRATITUDE for where you are, right here, right now.  In other words, joy.  Pleasure.  We can be motivated by a sense of lack, or by a sense of plenty.

I don’t know about you, but if I have to make a choice between acting from fear, anger, or lack or a sense of joy, abundance and expansion, I will choose the second. There are those who embrace the former, and as long as that works for them, fine.

But if it doesn’t, there is another way, the path of love.  Again: either works, but I’m suggesting it is possible to choose.  And if you choose the path of love, then you don’t accomplish or work SO THAT you can be happy.  You BEGIN with joy, and then perform your work from that place…

Grateful for another day of life.
Grateful for the chance to provide for people you love
Grateful for the chance to contribute.
Grateful for all that you have accomplished up until now, which has given you the confidence to know you can achieve this new and greater goal.
Get it?  Love can be a wonderful starting place for accomplishment.  And it has another advantage: happy people find it easier to attract others to their cause.  People are attracted to positive energy.  “The whole world loves a lover” as the saying goes.  “Laugh and the world laughs with you.  Cry and you cry alone.”

And another: you might die tomorrow.   Life promises us nothing.  Not another year, another day, another hour.  Why postpone joy? Why wait until you’ve finished your project until you let yourself be happy?

And since there are plenty of examples of people who have accomplished AND enjoyed the ride…why not be one of them?

And another thing: the idea ‘anger is a mask over fear’ is testable: if you address the fear, does the anger vanish?   A lifetime of experience and observation says yes.   And the saying that “love and fear compete for the same place in our hearts” suggests that in the light of love, fear dissolves.

And another: most self-destructive behavior can reasonably be considered a lack of self-love.  Any behavior you would not wish upon your own most beloved child fits into this category: any habit of eating or exercise, any relationships, and more.

So for health, happiness, success, and just general welfare, it seems reasonable to start with the heart, begin with love, and then move into performance from there, rather than feeling that “I’ll perform, and one day in the future feel good about myself.”

Let’s make it clearer: if you don’t love yourself NOW, you may be missing out on a critical fuel you need to push you and pull you through your moments of crisis, the “dark nights of the soul.”
So the Heartbeat Meditation and the Ancient Child meditation both proceed from the assumption that healing on this level is essential.

And the Soulmate Course will take the same position: that the process of maturation and healing necessary to find our partner in life is generative, involving all aspects of our being, and a healthy, balanced, loving way to approach becoming an Awakened Adult human being.

(p.s.--big announcement THIS WEEK about this course!)